Instead of being self-starters, T people tend to wait for cues or stimuli from others. Their overt behavior begins with a response to someone else. They tend to be "reactors to" rather than "initiators of behavior. For example, the "clinging vine" wife becomes anxious and threatened when her husband wants to do something that happens to exclude her; the passive-dependent husband becomes angry, hurt, or resentful when his wife engages in some pursuit that excludes him. When left to his own devices, the T person often seems like a helpless child.
A T person seems incapable of making another person feel good. He refuses to give in a straightforward fashion with no strings attached. Any happiness a person experiences from a T person is apt to be shortlived or conditional. For example, having enjoyed a dinner, the appreciative guest-victim is told about the laborious effort involved in preparing the food, or receives hints of expected reciprocation. It is as if the T person were unwilling to please another without in some way contaminating the simple act of giving and bringing joy. He always wants the other person to feel indebted and grateful; often he insists on it. When his victim rebels, he is made to feel selfish and worthless. The "self-sacrificing" parent often controls adult children in this way. Again, the victim is emotionally drained to one degree or another.
The T person is, also a poor receiver. When one gives to a T person, something about the manner in which the giving is received always contaminates the experience, not only for the giver but also for the recipient himself. For example, the adult who visits his elderly parent is thanked by the parent with some added comment to the effect that he doesn't come over as often as he should.
The ability to communicate is impaired in a T perŽson. He doesn't listen. Someone seeking to express himŽself to a T person usually experiences frustration as he repeatedly tries to make his point. Married couples may repeat an almost identical argument for years and yet remain stalemated. Neither hears the other, and neither is genuinely interested in understanding the other's point of view. Conversation between T people consists of dialogue that does not reflect responsiveŽness to each other's statements. Rather, each has in mind what he will say before the other is finished. Experientially, their dialogue really consists of two unconnected monologues. |
